‘The jolt I needed to talk about my mental health’ – by Ash Wilcox

I was a successful professional, a Head of Communications, full of confidence and creativity. I had won multiple awards, was a Fellow in my industry, and was used to managing large teams with budgets into the millions.

And to my friends, I presented as a more laid back, seemingly happy version of me. One of two would see my sadness at times but I mainly kept it hidden. ‘Put on a brave face and smile’ was my mantra.

No one saw the version I was when alone: full of fear and anxiety, scared and scarred by untreated trauma.

Addiction

As my mental health declined, I developed a terrible coping mechanism: addiction. I was addicted to many things: negative self-talk, self-harm, drink and eventually began a secret life as a drug addict.

Things went from bad to worse as my addictions took hold of me. I will never forget one medical appointment when my doctor almost shouted at me:

“If you carry on like this you will die.”

That moment stuck with me especially through the even darker few weeks that followed. I swung between thinking ‘I can get better’ to ‘Why am I even alive?’

Words cannot describe the sadness, the loneliness, the deep despair that these weeks had. In the end I took what should have been a fatal overdose of many types of pills.

Something changed

I woke up two days later. I was in agonising pain. But something was different. I think this was small sense of hope. It was definitely God’s work.

I got myself to hospital, but was told I probably only had a few hours left to live. I remember looking up at the ceiling and asking God for help. Those next few hours are blurry. Machines, wires, doctors struggling to put IVs into me.

And during it all, a hospital chaplain came along and sat down and asked if she could pray for me. I replied ‘I don’t believe…or maybe I do…but I don’t deserve prayer’.

She prayed. I cried. And something changed in me at this point.

Church

A week or so later I left hospital. Weak, sad but I knew I was going to go to church. The hospital chaplain had told me where she worships, KingsGate Church in Peterborough. I went along that Sunday and I’ve not stopped.

Life has changed so much since finding faith in Jesus. Life is still hard at times. But I know now faith is what I was searching for all my life. On Easter Day 2025 I was baptised, and they played a video of me sharing my testimony (starts 51.05):

Words of truth

And I want to go back to that comment from the doctor which have stuck with me ever since: “If you carry on like this you will die.”

In the darkest of times, I thought that no one cared. The disease of addiction isolates people. So often addicts sit alone, crying in dark rooms, afraid, not wanting to use but unable to stop. That is how insidious addiction is.

But this doctor did care and showed it through hard words of truth. He was right, I could so easily have died. And he could see that while I was in the depths of a breakdown, I needed to be given a jolt to start talking about my mental health.

And when I began to talk, I realised that lots of people cared for me. I just couldn’t see it. Truth has led to grace.

Grateful

For a few reasons my mental health isn’t 100% right now. It’s not addiction related and if anything that’s made it seem much more daunting. What will I hide behind?

So I haven’t hidden. I’ve started talking. And I’m getting some help from professionals.

And this week, I went back to see that same doctor. And I told him how grateful I am to him for his words. He said he remembered the conversation because he rarely raises his voice with patients. For me, going back to that doctor reinforces to me that even when it seems all hope is lost, there is hope. It’s never lost.

Learning and growing

Since that period of life I’ve grown and learnt a lot, but I’ve got much more growing and learning to do. I am 52 and only now I am getting to know the real me, and actually like myself. I know I’m in good hands. God’s hands.

I’ll always have mental health challenges, but I know that life is about helping others. This is why I write about my challenges as often as I can as I know my experience can help others.

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and my advice to anyone struggling with mental health is to try start talking about it. Talk to friends, talk to professionals, talk to God.

It’s the hardest thing in the world to do. I really know how hard it is. But it helps.

Ash works for Hope into Action. They have their annual conference, Homelessness Ends in Community on Wednesday 20th May. Over 300 people are booked in and some tickets are still available.