Finding space for grace

After Easter, I felt I needed a week off work and cleared my diary for a week in May without a firm idea of what I would do.  I thought a retreat would be good to explore, so I looked at the website of Scargill House in Yorkshire as I had been there twice before to lead weekends.

I saw that Roy Searle was leading a retreat there that week on the theme of Living Gently & Generously.  I knew of Roy through the Northumbria Community but I had never met him until a brief, chance meeting at Launde Abbey last year. I was struck by his genuine warmth and generosity of spirit.

So I booked on.

Finding space

But I harboured doubts about whether it was a good idea. It’s the first time I have ever gone away by myself for something like this. Would I get lonely? Bored? Claustrophobic?

Well, I have just finished the week and I am glad to say that I felt none of those things.  And as I wait for my train back to London, I wanted to share why this week has blessed me so much.

And this is the reason: I found space for grace.

Ambushed

Leaving home and work behind and being alone created a sense of space I have rarely experienced in the last 20 years. I craved the space but I realised it also unsettled me.  My head was full of thoughts like how should I use the time productively? What fruit would I produce? What will it achieve?

With days stretching out before me, I travelled with an expectation to write and develop ideas for a long-planned book.

In the end I did none of these things. My plans got ambushed by grace.

Unwelcome companions

And after 24 hours of wrestling with thoughts, I realised that a protestant work-ethic, misplaced guilt and a fragile and fearful ego had also travelled with me. In fact, they had booked into the same room.

Rather than accommodate my unwelcome companions, I had to send them packing. I needed to empty my hands so that I could receive something else.

So this week has been life-giving, but not due to anything I have done. The only thing I have done is empty my hands and receive. 

Rather than rushing, I have stopped.

Rather than speaking, I have listened.

Rather than socialise, I have spent time in solitude.

Rather than lead, I have been led.

Rather than give, I have received.

Reflections of others

And rather than develop my own thoughts, I have been deeply blessed by the reflections of others.

Firstly, Roy Searle spoke with great wisdom and humility. He did not just talk about gentleness and generosity but he embodied these qualities. But there was nothing soft or easy-going about his message. He was challenging about the state of the world and full of deep conviction about the God revealed in Jesus and following his example of gentleness and generosity.

Secondly, I abandoned the books I had brought with me, and instead re-read Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace? from the Scargill library  It is a book full of stories about how grace can uncoil and disentangle the cycles of negativity and retribution that so easily scar our lives.  The enduring value of the book lies in the clarity and strength of Yancey’s belief in grace which enables him to be bracingly truthful about how ‘ungrace’ has disfigured the church.

Fresh stream

Listening and reading to these wise and faithful guides has enabled me to recognise God’s grace afresh: in my life, my family, in my work, church, community and in creation itself. It has helped me see reality more clearly and what I am called to do and be.

I feel I have spent a week drinking deeply from a fresh stream of God’s grace. 

Finding such streams is not always easy. Many outlets within the church are polluted and some are poisoned.

But with wise guides, fresh grace can be found. We need to seek them out, drink deeply and experience the refreshment they offer.

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• I would recommend anyone visiting The Scargill Movement. It is a beautiful place run by a loving and generous community. Maybe you could join the community?
• Check out The Northumbria Community which Roy Searle helped form. Roy is leading another retreat at Scargill this October with others from the Northumbria Collective.