Loch Mess: the Caledonian Crisis, 2034 – a blog post from the future

Yesterday saw a marked escalation of the conflict between England and Scotland.  In a statement released by Downing Street, Prime Minister Euan Blair confirmed the significant expansion of English military action:

“I have ordered reinforcements to bolster the British troops placed along the Scottish border.  Operation Hadrian has being stepped up to maintain the integrity of our borders”

In addition the Prime Minister confirmed that a massive joint manoeuvre had been launched with Russian forces to “protect and secure the international business interests” around Aberdeen, the centre of Scotland’s oil industry.  It is believed that around 15,000 troops, the majority of whom are Russian, have landed in the Scottish Highlands and have effectively sealed off Aberdeen from the rest of Scotland.

Roots of the crisis

The Caledonian Crisis has its roots in the Bank of England’s decision in 2015 to give Scotland ten year’s notice to stop using the Sterling currency after they voted for independence from the UK.

Scotland’s planned transition to the Euro by 2025 was then derailed by the public anger created by Scotland coming last in the 2022 Eurovision Song Contest.  Many had believed that Scotland’s entry, from veteran duo The Proclaimers, would win the contest.  But despite critical acclaim they were awarded Nil Points.   This international snub kick-started the ‘Nil Points = No Euro’ campaign in which successfully convinced the Scottish government to create its own currency.

Loch Mess

However attempts to form their own currency hit problems when Rangers fans felt the new proposed bank notes featured too much Celtic green and white. The uncertainty around the future of the currency, dubbed ‘Loch Mess’ by English media, drove Scotland into hyper-inflation and financial meltdown. Glasgow and Edinburgh have experienced serious unrest as mass unemployment and shortage of food bites hard.

Throughout the 2020s, conflict between Scots and English affected all major cities.  This followed the Special Powers (Scotland) Act which made the public wearing of kilts illegal, banned the film Braveheart and only allowed Irish Whiskey (with an ‘e’) to be drunk in England.  All food stuffs with a ‘distinctly Scottish connection’ were banned after widespread rumours of extremists concealing explosives as Haggis.

As disruption continued, the English government pushed ahead in 2030 with the forced repatriation of ‘anyone with a discernable Scottish accent’ from English territory.  Overnight, Scottish people living and working in England went into hiding and many enrolled in elocution lessons to stop saying ‘aye’ and ‘wee’.  Security forces continue to search for those living amongst us as ‘closet Scots’.

Escalation

Yesterday’s the English government’s military actions mark a rapid escalation in the level of the conflict. As ever oil is at the heart of the issue.  During the years of uncertainty, more and more of Scotland’s oil industry was bought up by Russian oligarchs.  And once the current crisis started, England became under increasing pressure from Moscow to take action. As the Prime Minister Blair said

“Along with our Russian allies, we have secured Aberdeen in order to protect the long term business interests of the international community.  Our nation has a long and impressive history of wars fought to protect oil interests and I fully intend to maintain this proud tradition.” 

When questioned on why Russia were so involved, the PM replied:

“England can learn a lot from how they dealt with their trouble-makers in the former Ukraine region.  Plus they’ve opened some great restaurants in Knightsbridge.”

Speaking from his Presidential Palace of Balmoral, Scottish Head of State Alex Salmond declared that the English aggression would be met with similar force:

“They may take away our oil, but they can never take away our Freedom!”

It was only twenty years ago that the people of Scotland voted for independence from the United Kingdom.  Surely no one could have predicted the way events have unravelled since that that fateful decision back in 2014.