Hallow’een, Selfish G’een – by Lizzie Schofield

Nothing puts me in a bad mood like Hallow’een.

Apart from the whole ‘celebration of evil’ thing, it’s so ubiquitous.

Even Facebook won’t let me do a ‘sad face’ anymore. Instead I get a Frankenstein head. For a start, this is belittling of Frankenstein, who faced complex issues. He was more ‘tortured’ than just ‘sad’.

Plus there is the fact it’s discriminatory on the basis of my Christian faith. Perhaps I’ll sue? Relax, Facebook!  As I’ve said in a previous post, I think that’s a ridiculous idea.

Dull

But what most annoys me about Hallow’een is that it’s so dull.

Corpse brides? Yawn.

The Mummy Returns? So last decade.

Any character from Harry Potter? This is NOT World Book Day.

Guy outside Colliers Wood station with a zip running down his face? Actually quite funny and avant garde. But he was the exception.

Poor American Idea

And it’s so derivative! I don’t mean from Hallows Eve or All Hallows (whatever that is/was: something about remembering dead people) but what Americans call Hallow’een – Hallow’een the Hallmark Holiday version.

It’s in my box of “Poor American Ideas” along with a) using the tumble drier even when it’s boiling hot outside (I’m looking at you, residents of Los Angeles) and b) putting cinnamon in absolutely everything. Like pumpkin pie. (Just writing the words “pumpkin pie” makes me heave.) Somebody tell them pumpkin is a vegetable.

Something more zeitgeisty…

In short: post-Christian, secular Britain, is this the best you can do? Some kind of pseudo-spirit world imported tackfest? Given the popularity of atheism these days, let’s see if we can come up with something more zeitgeisty.

Maybe Richard Dawkins can give us some ideas? In his handbook to the lecture series “Growing up in the universe – the purpose of life”, Richard says:

“We are machines for propagating DNA, and the propagation of DNA is a self-sustaining process. It is every living object’s sole reason for living.”*

We could have a ‘propagate DNA day’, its a bit creepy to think about what that would actually involve, but it could be nicknamed Selfish G’een! Yes, you’re right this whole blog post has been birthed out of a need to use this Hilarious Pun.

Or we could have a “Look up at the Night Sky in Wonder at the Universe”‘ ‘een (I want to put this into three syllables but can’t and time is against me.) This I would genuinely love, until I hear Richard, whispering in my ear:

“The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.”

Thanks for ruining my evening, Richard.

So here I am, back to dutifully handing out sweets and tracts to the ‘trick or treaters’ (because even my grumpiness has a limit). But all the time I am thinking, I can’t wait for a little love and a little transcendence to believe in.

Only 56 sleeps til Christmas.

Lizzie Schofield lives in London, works for Pfander Apologetics