A modern Ecclesiastes: Matthew Perry & the Big Terrible reality of addiction

Matthew Perry’s memoir Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing is a poignant and moving book which is rendered tragic by the author’s death last year aged just 54.

Matthew Perry had just about everything most men could dream of. He had ‘the best job in the world’ starring in the world’s most popular TV programme Friends. His character, Chandler Bing, was loved for his self-depreciation and sarcastic wit.

He had untold wealth, earning over a million dollars per episode alone. He and Michael J Fox, are the only actors to simultaneously star in a number 1 rated TV series and film.

And as the book recounts on page after page, Perry’s fame, charm and success meant he commanded the attention of a constant stream of beautiful women, many of whom became lovers. This is the man who ended a relationship with Julia Roberts.

‘The hole inside’

But none of this wealth, fame or sexual conquests could fill the hole within him of insecurity, needy desperation and emotional turmoil. It was a hole he filled with a life-long addictions to alcohol, drugs and smoking.  This is what Perry describes as the Big Terrible Thing. 

‘I reached a point in my drinking and using where I was drinking and using to forget about how much I was drinking and using. And it took an almost lethal amount to accomplish that kind of amnesia.

I was also so lonely that it hurt; I could feel the loneliness in my bones. On the outside I looked like the luckiest man alive…but nothing could fill the hole inside me.’

Meaninglessness

Perry’s book reminded me of the discontent expressed in the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes. The author is a king, often thought to be Solomon, who has power, wealth, wisdom and all the sex he wants. But despite all this abundance, the book is a reflection on meaninglessness and the struggle to find contentment:

‘I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards…I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem as well—the delights of a man’s heart…I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure…Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind’. (2: 4-11)

Similarly, Perry reflects on the fleeting happiness that possessions bring:

‘At one point I bought I bought yet another new car, the excitement of which lasted about five days. I moved regularly too – the thrill of a new house with an even better view lasted a bit longer the Porsche or the Bentley, but not by much.’

Regret

In one striking passage, he recounts with shame the ‘speech’ he regularly gave to women on first dates, explaining that he was interested in sex but nothing more serious. Despite the regular ‘success’ of this approach, Perry reflects with real regret:

‘What I was proposing was just a giant f***ing waste of time. Sex is great and everything, but I think I would be a much more fulfilled person now if I had spent those years looking for something more… During that time, I met at least five women that I could have married, had children with. Had I done so just once, I would not now be sitting in a huge house, overlooking the ocean, with no one to share it with.’

Quest for God

I found it a compelling and fascinating book. Similarly to the many AA meetings I have sat in on, Perry blends a lot of swearing with a lot references to God. At one low-point he prays:

‘ “God, please help me,” I whispered. ”Show me that you are here. God, please help me.” As I prayed,  the little wave in the air transformed into a small, golden light. As I kneeled, the light slowly began to get bigger, and bigger, until it was so big it encompassed the entire room…there was not shaking this off. It was way bigger than me. My only choice was to surrender to it.

For the first time in my life I was in the presence of love and acceptance and filled with an overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be OK. I knew my prayer had been answered. I was in the presence of God.’

Perry knew he needed God’s grace and regularly sought it. But the truth is that addictions trashed his life.  As he confesses at the end of the book, he would have traded all his success to be free of the Big Terrible Thing.

And he writes that he would rather be remembered for helping others than for being a TV star. Let’s hope the honesty of this book and tragedy of Matthew Perry’s story will help others escape the addictions that he couldn’t.

Whilst people continue to love watching him in Friends, perhaps it will be this book which will be his lasting legacy. As the book of Ecclesiastes puts it (9:17):

‘The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.’