G+T: the book. How has grace and truth helped you?

Grace+Truth is almost 15 years old and I continue to be encouraged by the response and engagement with the articles I share. In December, the site had its 2 millionth visit.

During these years, many different people have urged me to write a book which draws together the key thinking around grace and truth in a longer form.

But to be honest, despite many attempted starts, I have struggled to make progress. My life-style is better suited to writing short blogs and the busyness of work, family and other commitments, has meant I have not been able to find time to write something longer.

New Year commitments

But as part of my dreams and commitments for the New Year, I have decided to cut back on the short articles and go for it and commit to writing a book on Grace + Truth.

My aim is to write an accessible book aimed at the same people who read the blog about how putting grace and truth into practice helps us help others.

And as a valued reader, I would love your help!

I want the book to have as many real-life stories as possible. I will use plenty of my own experiences but I would love to have more stories or thoughts which I could use as further evidence of the importance of grace and truth.

‘The right balance’

As an example, a few years ago, I received an email which said this:

I have experienced homelessness myself in the past and spent many years of my life as a mental health patient, diagnosed with a personality disorder and PTSD, always in emotional crisis and engaging in harmful behaviours towards myself and others. I had numerous interventions over the years with little success, yet ultimately was able to access support which helped me turn my life around. Reflecting on my journey, I can now clearly see what made all the difference was the right balance of grace and truth.

Fascinatingly, they set out the problems of one without the other:

Some approaches had been all truth and no grace.

Often in the statutory mental health system…there is a deliberate deployment of harsh and punitive boundaries to deter bad behaviours. This can include calculated coldness and withdrawal of support designed to discourage the ‘maladaptive care-seeking behaviours’. This leads to an oscillation between the parallel harms of overly restrictive treatment and neglect. This approach can re-traumatise and feel like a replication of the neglect, abuse and abandonment that often led to these difficulties in the first place.

But the problem went the other way too:

“Yet approaches which are all grace without truth can be equally harmful in their own insidious way. I have also experienced those who have simply validated my feelings and beliefs, set no boundaries, and allowed and indulged my behaviours. Whilst this may have provided a fleeting and superficial sense of comfort, it did not help me to change or address any of the underlying difficulties.

Furthermore, as no human can truly give endless grace, often in these relationships, it would come to a point where their good nature was exhausted. They would then suddenly, forcefully impose boundaries in ways that felt shocking and harsh, or simply disappear.”

And they went on to explain what the right balance felt like:

“For a long time I also feared I was simply untreatable, until I was finally blessed with a therapist who was able to skillfully balance grace and truth.

The treatment was certainly not all about commiseration and comfort; frequently it was challenging, confronting, uncomfortable even. Yet this was built upon a trusting relationship whereby I knew she cared about me and had my best interests at heart. She wanted to help me change so I could live a better life, rather than simply tell me what I wanted to hear.”

The best kind of feedback

These kind of emails are the best kind of feedback because they show how crucial this balance of grace and truth is. They make me believe even more in the importance of this message.

And as another friend wrote to me to state more bluntly: